Article 3 of a five-part series exploring whole person self-esteem.
Self-worth is about you. It is not something you can improve or increase with anything that you can do, own, or share. It is not decreased by anything you don’t have or mistakes you made. A million dollars will not increase your self-worth. A million dollars in debt will not decrease your self-worth.
Self-worth exists because you exist. In the whole universe, you are unique. One-of-a-kind. Undeniably amazing and have value just as you are. Nothing more is ever required to be loved, respected, supported or appreciated. Unfortunately, all to often, as you grow up, you forget all that. You start disregarding, ignoring and then denying your own inalienable self-worth by believing you’re not good enough. A denigrating, devaluing, and judgmental belief that often seems to be reinforced by family, friends, business, culture, society, and even yourself. You become unworthy.
Take a moment and consider how you would answer this question that I’ve asked clients struggling with self-esteem issues: If you were a student, would you take a university class on self-esteem if the Professor said that the only requirement to get an “A” in the class, is to turn in a piece of paper with your name on it?
When I first thought of this question, I thought everyone would say, “Sure. Why not? It’s an easy “A.” But as I began asking clients struggling with depression, anxiety, self-image, relationships, or low self-esteem, most of them said, “No. I wouldn’t take the class.” The main reason they gave was that they felt unworthy and didn’t deserve an easy “A.” They felt obligated to do more work to earn a good grade.
When I explained that what they were talking about was skill-worth, which is when you learn skills that get evaluated and graded. In contrast, I was actually asking about self-worth, which is having intrinsic value just being yourself. You don’t have to earn it.
With this clarification, the reasons for not taking the self-esteem class expanded to include thinking that they would… 1) be taking advantage of the professor; 2) not learn anything; 3) be called selfish, lazy, or entitled; 4) still feel uncomfortable about not earning the “A”; and 5) feel undeserving or unworthy of receiving such a gift. Looking closely you discover that each of these reasons has less to do about self-worth and who you are, and more to do about skill-worth or social-worth and what you do or how you are seen. It can be a struggle to accept your worth of just being yourself.
Often, the biggest struggle to value and fully embrace your self-worth isn’t that it is hard to get, but rather that it is hard to accept because it is too easy to get. The closest analogy I can think of to explain how easy and yet inherent having self-worth is, is that self-worth is like air. All you have to do to breath in air, is breath. Air is free and everywhere. When you have breathing problems, very seldom is it due to a lack of air. I guess you could also say self-worth is similar to sunshine or time. The point is that when anyone struggles with self-worth, it is not from a lack of self-worth, but rather from a resistance, whether intentional or not, to accept the intrinsic self-worth that comes with existence.
At this point, let me mention that there are many individuals without any skills and abilities that have high self-worth for being themselves, and they fully expect you to take care of them. Of course, I am talking about babies, puppies, kittens and more, as well as children, dogs, cats, and more. And you as the caregiver can see, appreciate, and embrace their self-worth and inherent value in just being themselves. You love them for who they are. Nothing more is required. They don’t have to prove themselves to earn your love.
But having self-worth doesn’t entitle anyone to receive care, help, or anything. Self-worth is simply having value being yourself. That is what makes self-esteem so complicated.
In previous articles, we’ve discussed, the building blocks of the BCA whole person self-esteem: 1) Self-worth – the inherent value of existing and being yourself; 2) Skill-worth – the abilities and skills you learn, and then evaluate, that demonstrate your talents and mastery; and 3) Social-worth –your connections and interactions of sharing yourself and engaging with the world.
Each aspect of self-esteem is distinct and constantly changing in a dynamic, interactive, and integrated process that is reacting to and impacting your developing sense of self and creation of your self-image. As a baby, you are born with an inherent sense of self-worth because being yourself is all that you know. As a toddler, you begin to recognise and develop your own set of skills to express yourself. Skills that you select and evaluate in the process of developing your sense of skill-worth. Finally, in childhood, you start recognising and evaluating your connections with others and begin developing your awareness and sense of social-worth. Then, having gained experience and insights of the three building blocks of self-esteem you begin shifting their roles, context, priority, influence, and focus in your life.
In the process of actively managing the development of your self-esteem, it is not uncommon that your focus on learning new skills and embracing socialisation can overwhelm, and sometimes even eliminate, your awareness of the quiet, inherent self-worth. You forget that you have value even when you do nothing and don’t socialise. Your inner voice uses cognitive distortions to repeatedly yell in your head that you are not good enough. That you need to try harder. That you need to be more popular. Such thoughts or beliefs eventually become a thinking habit about reality which leads you to ignore your inalienable self-worth. Believing you are not good enough denies the foundation of your self-esteem. Your healthy self-image crumbles. When you think you are not good enough, trying to prove your worth is like imaging that your success is just around the corner of a circular building. You efforts are never ending. No skill or connection will ever get you around the next corner.
But the most disastrous impact of denying your self-worth is that you stop appreciating your accomplishments. Once you accept the impossible scenario that you must prove yourself as worthy through actions or connection, the struggles will never end. You will continually strive to find success just around the corner, and then, even when you do accomplish amazing things, there is no sense of satisfaction. Your actions and connections are never good enough, because you are never good enough. You are not worthy of what you accomplished. You can’t accept that easy “A” in life’s self-esteem class.
The Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps is my favourite example of how low self-worth doesn’t stop you from doing amazing things, it just stops from appreciating the amazing things you do. In 2008, he did something no Olympic athlete or human had ever done, he won 8 gold medals. But as incredible as his achievement was, it wasn’t perfect. He only set seven world records, because in one race, the 100m butterfly, he just set an Olympic record. His accomplishments were still not good enough and after the Olympics he started struggling with mental health, self-esteem, drugs and drinking issues. Things go so bad that he was even banned from swimming for three months in 2009. He eventually started therapy to deal with his issues.
The reason self-worth is the foundation of healthy self-esteem is because nothing is required to have it. A useful acronym is to remember to act your AGE – Always Good Enough. You can be build anything upon your self-worth. Nothing will ever stop you from having or denying your own self-worth. However, having high self-worth doesn’t entitle you to receive anything, or prove anything. Self-worth isn’t a skill or a connection, which makes it very different from skill-worth and social-worth. Self-worth is simply having value being yourself.
Dane Jorento, MSW, LICSW is a speaker offering keynotes, seminars, and workshops on mental health, trauma, ADHD, and relationships. He specialises in BCA Holistic Therapy, EMDR, and DBT approaches.