Millions of people around the world live with substance use disorders (SUDs). Addiction leaves a lot of destruction in these lives. For each person, there is a struggle and a set of symptoms that often show up when they try to stop using drugs or alcohol. Most people who have lived with addiction made choices they later regret, like lying, stealing, or hurting the people they care about. These actions can lead to overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame once someone gets sober. Forgiving yourself is an important part of recovery. It allows you to begin healing, rebuild your life, and move towards your healthiest, most authentic life.
Guilt and shame are not just painful. They can also become powerful triggers that make it harder to stay on track in your recovery. These feelings might even push someone to use substances again to try to escape the pain.
Why we feel guilt
Guilt is an important part of human evolution and a person’s sense of morality. Everyone experiences it when they do something they know is wrong. Guilt is more of a logical emotion because it’s a part of cause and effect. You did something wrong, so you feel guilty about it. Apologizing and taking action to make things right can alleviate feelings of guilt.
Why we feel shame
Shame, on the other hand, is experienced more deeply. Rather than being a result of cause and effect, it becomes a feeling that lingers. Shame is a feeling that “you are bad,” rather than you are a good person who has done a bad thing. This emotion can’t be satisfied or lessened in just one action.
Often, shame is something that we feel that traces back to childhood. It’s not usually warranted and instead contributes to poor self-esteem and a lack of hope. Many people who were abused as children often describe carrying a sense of shame throughout their childhood. Even if they do a hundred good things, they feel shame in the back of their mind.
People who have lived through addiction feel both guilt and shame, often at the same time. Shame can be a relapse driver, so it’s important to learn how to cope with it. None of us are our actions alone.
Why guilt lingers after recovery
Addiction can cause a lot of harm, both for the addicted person and their loved ones. Once you get sober, you’ll probably have more time on your hands to think about life, the past, and your actions. Feelings will come to the surface as well. You may ruminate a lot on broken relationships, lost opportunities, or regret over past actions.
These feelings are normal and healthy. They’re a part of the recovery process and becoming a better human. It may seem overwhelming to have feelings and memories return, especially if you’re very new in recovery. Emotions are intensified, especially during withdrawal, but they become more manageable the longer you stay sober.
Talking to others, especially people who have been sober a while or professionals, such as a trained therapist, can help you learn to cope with these emotions without letting them take over. It’s important to realize you’re much more than your worst actions.
Unrealistic standards and harsh self-judgment can drive a person right back to their addiction. Learning to take life one day at a time and becoming a better person one good deed at a time can help build resilience and self-esteem.
Why you can’t ask for forgiveness immediately
You may be tempted to run around asking forgiveness from friends or family whom you’ve hurt, but in early recovery, a person should remain laser-focused on staying sober. If you’re in a 12-step program, Step 9 from the 12 Steps of AA says that you will have “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”
One reason you shouldn’t try to make amends so early in your recovery is simple: your loved ones have probably heard it all before. Asking for forgiveness before you’ve had substantial time to change will leave people wary. You also may be doing for yourself, to feel better, which is not the only point of making amends.
Making amends is a delicate part of the recovery process. It’s step 9, however, for a reason; you’re too vulnerable in early recovery, and frankly, your loved ones won’t be ready to hear apologies until they’ve seen lasting, substantial change. Do the 12 steps in order and listen to others about their experiences. Focus on today, instead.
Releasing guilt and reframing the past
Holding onto guilt and shame can be like holding onto a sickness that needs treatment. If you don’t admit it, you won’t get better, and the wounds it causes deep inside you can fester. Guilt and shame can cause depression, anxiety, and even relapse among the newly sober.
You can’t fix the consequences of your bad deeds overnight. What is done is done, and you’re powerless over your past actions. All you can do is work with a sponsor or therapist to begin to become whole again. You don’t have to be the person you were in active addiction. You can be the best version of yourself in sobriety. Getting to that version means patience, open-mindedness, and taking life one day at a time. When you were stuck in active addiction, you did the best you could. You were trying to survive what seemed like an impossible situation. You probably hurt yourself and others along the way. But as a newly sober person, you’re not doing that today, and you don’t need to punish yourself further for the pain you caused.
Taking steps towarda self-forgiveness
Making amends helps reduce your guilt, rebuild trust, and free you from the weight of the past. The first person you owe amends to is yourself, and you’ve already begun by getting sober. Remember that addiction is an illness, not a moral flaw, and treatment is part of taking responsibility for getting well.
Self-forgiveness is a process, but there are many tools and ideas to help you through it. Accepting the past is a powerful step toward making peace with yourself. Many people in recovery also find comfort and healing through practices that keep them grounded and more forgiving toward themselves.
Ways to keep working on self-forgiveness:
- Practise mindfulness to stay present and avoid being pulled into guilt or shame.
- Use talk therapy to explore your feelings and understand yourself better.
- Try self-compassion exercises and positive self-talk to counter harsh inner criticism.
- Remind yourself that recovery is a journey and you deserve patience and kindness along the way.
Forgiving yourself will take time, but it’s a journey just like recovery. You may stumble along the way, but as time passes, you’ll begin to see that you’re becoming the person you want to be.
Your authentic self is neither perfect nor terrible, and you deserve to meet and be that person again. Recovery is a journey, and everyone evolves along the way. Just keep staying clean and sober a day at a time, and better days are ahead.
In Scott Huseby’s previous career, he led one of the most respected litigation support firms in the US. Yet beyond his professional success, Scott discovered a deeper purpose after experiencing the healing power of recovery firsthand.
That calling led him to Costa Rica, where he became the owner of Costa Rica Recovery in San José – an immersive and effective experiential center for those seeking freedom from addiction. Since then, Scott has opened other treatment centers in Costa Rica and become the owner of Cornerstone Recovery in Santa Ana, California (United States). Now he uses his leadership and lived experience to walk alongside others on their recovery journey, offering the same hope and healing that changed his life.
To learn more about Scott and Costa Rica Recovery, call 1 (866) 804-1793 or visit www.costaricarecovery.com