Many people have a strong connection with their much-loved pets. When that family member becomes old, ill or dies, the sense of grief can be hard for non-pet owners to understand.
What impact does pet bereavement have on us, and what are the most effective ways to deal with a grief that so many others cannot relate to?
How many people have, or will face, the pain of pet bereavement? In the US, around 70% of households have at least one pet; in Australia, approximately 60%. In the EU about 35% of people have one or more pets. The main point is, pet bereavement impacts vast numbers of people, globally. Readers who have lost a pet will know what an impact it has.
The bond between us and our pets is one of life’s most profound connections. For many of us, our pet is not merely an animal but a cherished family member, a confidant, a source of joy, and a constant companion through life’s highs and lows.
When the inevitable time comes, to say goodbye, whether due to old age, illness, or sudden loss, the grief that follows can be painfully overwhelming.
Pet bereavement, though deeply felt by millions, is often misunderstood or even dismissed by those who have never experienced a loving bond with a furry, feathered, or scaled friend.
What is the psychological impact of that strong bond being broken by death? How can we navigate this often ignored form of grief in a world that may not understand it?
How deep is the human-pet bond?
Pet owners already know. To appreciate the intensity of pet bereavement, we must first understand the nature of the human-pet relationship. Pets offer unconditional love, a rarity in human-to-human interactions. They greet us with enthusiasm, they comfort us in moments of distress, and they ask for little in return beyond care and affection.
Health research highlights that pets can reduce stress, lower blood pressure, and even enhance our sense of purpose. Pet owners have 15% fewer visits to their GPs. For many people, especially those living alone or facing life’s challenges, a pet becomes an emotional anchor.
This bond is not merely sentimental; it is rooted in our biology. Oxytocin, also known as “the love hormone,” is released when we interact with our pets. In a way very similar to that in which oxytocin is involved in the bonding process between parents and children.
When our pet dies, the loss is painful, leaving a hole that can be as deep and felt as viscerally as losing a human loved one.
Other than members of the toxic tetrad (psychopaths, sociopaths, narcissists, and Machiavellis, who make up between 10 and 20% of the population), almost everyone can relate to the loss of a much-loved person, and be appropriately supportive.
By contrast, pet bereavement is often met with societal minimisation. You have probably heard comments such as “It was just a pet” or “You can get another one.” Such speakers broadcast their profound lack of insight or understanding, compounding the griever’s pain.
Why do many people in society struggle to understand this form of loss? Perhaps it stems from a cultural bias that prioritises human relationships, or is based on a failure to recognise the depth of cross-species bonds.
Possibly such comments come from people who have never personally experienced a profound animal bond. Maybe it comes from the fact that so many people eat meat, and thus see animal lives as disposable and consumable, as less important, or even totally unimportant.
The psychological impact of pet bereavement
While grief is a universal human experience, pet bereavement carries unique challenges. The loss of a pet can trigger the full spectrum of grief responses: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, as outlined in Kübler-Ross’s model.
As is the case with almost all changes in life, the intensity and duration of the five stages vary widely. For some pet owners the grief process is extended with each trigger: every time they look at the place where the pet was fed, or where they slept, or they see a toy the pet enjoyed. Those constant triggers can make the grief linger. In extremis, that can manifest as chronic sorrow or even complicated grief, where the mourner struggles to move forward.
For some, the fortunate ones, the grief is acute but short-lived.
The psychological impact of pet bereavement is often exacerbated by the circumstances of the loss. Euthanasia, a sadly common decision for terminally ill pets, can evoke profound guilt. Owners may harm themselves with the self-searching questions of the conscientious: “Did I act too soon?” or “Could I have done more?”
When the loss is sudden, such as in accidental deaths, it leaves no time for emotional preparation. That tends to intensify the shock and trauma felt.
Even anticipated losses, such as those due to the inevitability of old age, can be devastating; watching the slow decline of a beloved companion forces us to confront mortality, theirs and our own.
Pet bereavement can also be amplified and repeatedly triggered by the disruption to our daily routines. The absence of morning walks, feeding rituals, or the sound of a purring cat can make our homes feel eerily empty.
For those who relied on their pet to assist with emotional regulation, the loss may trigger anxiety, depression, or a sense of disconnection.
Children, in particular, may struggle, as the death of a pet is often their first encounter with mortality. How do we help them process such a loss? And how do we, as adults, find meaning in the midst of our own sorrow, while at the same time supporting children who are perhaps even more impacted?
While the pain of pet bereavement is inevitable, there are ways to make the journey with compassion and resilience. Here are some evidence-based strategies to help you cope
- Acknowledge your grief without judgement. Validate your emotions; grieving for your pet is as legitimate as any other loss. Resist the urge to compare your pain to others’ or to feel ashamed of its intensity. Write about your pet, your memories, and your feelings. This act of expression, known as catharsis, can help externalise the pain, making it more manageable.
- Create rituals of remembrance. For millennia, humans have used rituals to provide structure, meaning and closure, during times of loss. Consider holding a small memorial for your pet, whether that is lighting a candle, planting a tree, or creating a photo album. These acts honour your pet’s life and give you a tangible way to say goodbye. For children, drawing pictures of, or writing a letter to their pet can be especially healing.
- Seek supportive communities. One of the worst things we can do, when facing grief, it to isolate ourselves. Isolation amplifies grief, particularly when others fail to understand our loss. Reach out to connect with those who empathise; friends, family, or online communities such pet loss forums. Support groups, both in-person and virtual, offer a safe space to share your story and hear the experience and coping strategies of others. Knowing that you are not alone can be profoundly comforting. Be careful not to cross the line of making grief a long-term lifestyle choice.
- Address any guilt or self-blame. Guilt is a common companion in any form of bereavement, including pet bereavement, especially after euthanasia. Reflect on your decision with compassion: you acted out of love to spare your loved pet further suffering. Challenge any self-destructive negative thoughts such as “I failed my pet” with a more balanced perspective: “I gave my pet a dignified end.” If your deliberate efforts of reframing your guilt, as this technique is known, do not work, consider speaking with a counsellor trained in grief management, and ideally one that has experienced pet bereavement.
- Rebuild your routine gradually. The disruption of daily rituals can feel disorienting. Slowly introduce new activities to fill the gaps left by your pet’s absence. That might mean taking a different walking route, volunteering at an animal shelter, or adopting a new hobby. Be patient with, and kind to yourself; rebuilding takes time after any loss, especially when the emotional bonds are strongest.
- Consider professional support. If your grief feels overwhelming or persists for months, professional help may be beneficial. Therapists specialising in grief or pet loss can guide you through the process. Eventually, with time and self-patience, you can integrate the loss into your life without letting it define you.
Healing from pet bereavement does not mean forgetting your pet or “moving on.” Rather, it involves weaving their memory into the fabric of your life. The love and good times you shared and enjoyed with your pet is the most powerful testament to your capacity for connection, and that capacity endures.
Many people find solace in honouring their pet’s legacy, perhaps by donating to an animal charity, fostering a rescue pet, or simply sharing stories of their pet’s quirks and joys.
Turning loss into legacy
Why does pet loss hurt us so deeply? The pain we feel is a measure of the bond we shared. Perhaps we grieve deeply for our pets because they teach us about love in its purest form; uncomplicated, unconditional, unwavering, and free of judgment.
Loss of our cherished companion reminds us of our capacity to connect, to love, and of our vulnerability. It also reminds us of our resilience.
Perhaps the best way to honour the life of your pet is to deliberately turn loss into legacy. To find a way to ensure their legacy can live on in us we can ask ourselves: “What did my pet teach me about life, love, and loss?”
Cherish the memories; they gave you something priceless.
Professor Nigel MacLennan runs the performance coaching practice PsyPerform.